Back at it......

Well folks, I figured it was due time for another installment. I've been lacking the writing mood here for the past, well, few months, and decided it was high time to get back into the saddle.

The lead story: Well, it may be just about time to change jobs again. For those of you who know me, you probably think that I am on pace to set a world record for most jobs within a 3 year period. I think this one is pretty serious. Great job, great money, and a subject matter that I certainly do have a significant amount of expertise in: wine and spirits. The current gig isn't too bad, but I see myself in a whirling dervish of nowhere in the years to come if I stay. My new manager (for the time being) seems much like the Antichrist, and according to my recent evaluations, she considers me quite unworthy of my job. Funny, the manager before her thought I was the best addition to his team in a long time. Secondly, I am currently on loan for an associate training job, which I happen to like quite a bit, except for one small detail. In my entire 24 plus years on this planet, I have never hit, or ever thought of hitting, a woman. This girl deserves a backhand. A friend of mine, also an associate trainer, made it clear that she probably would punch her numerous times if it came down to it. Nobody can stand her. She can't get enough of herself. I have already informed my mentor that I will never ever work in a training environment with her ever again. Finally, I love to gamble. Love to gamble. The company does not condone gambling of any sort, and does not want employees speaking about it. I raise a middle digit to that issue. Ergo, yours truly will be searching outside of the company in the months to come, and will probably be followed by most of the people that I made friends with there.

Next thought: Have you heard of the "corporate language?" I think more than anything, this probably gets under my skin more than anything else. When I was going to talk to my "learning specialist" mentor the other day about my personality clash with psychobitch, another rep said, "Make sure you phrase your statements right; you don't want this to be a career-limiting move." Career-limiting? WTF mate? And we also need about 50 more acronyms for jobs and procedures around there. "When's the BCD? Will it be EFT? I dunno, call RBC, they're handling it. Wait, I thought PST was?" Sad thing is, I am probably the only one who knows exactly what's going on here. And finally, my personal favorite: "This person will be seeking other opportunities outside of the company." Just say you shitcanned them, fired their ass. Be creative. Let the brainwash continue.

Why do people put on the fake happy when they go to work anyways? You walk through the door, and instantly, you're "Good morning, ________," or "how ya doin?" like you're that stoked to be walking in brandishing 5 hours of sleep, ready to listen to people bitch at you for the next 8 hours, or for that matter, like you care that much about how someone you talk to 5 minutes a day is doing. Frankly, I could give a rat's ass how your weekend was, or what you did last night. Not to say that goes for everyone I talk to; I have made some good friends in my 7 (almost 8) month tenure at the biz.

My workplace is like high school all over again. The popular kids and the hot chicks win. There are the jocks, the outcasts, the nerds, the kissasses, and the band geeks; the whole hee-haw gang is there, in a real world format. You take one walk around the floor, and I guarantee, you'll identify at least one of each of those types within 5 minutes. And forget about your love life there. If someone is dating someone else from work, you might as well blaze their relationship on a billboard in Times Square. It's that bad. And we're supposed to be adults about relationships now. Gossip permeates the premises. Who's getting fired, promoted, reassigned, the whole bit. I don't fish out of the corporate pool for a woman, and I don't talk to people about other people. Hell, I don't even go out with most people from work. I only go out with the people I trust, and even that is a rare occasion. I figure, why become the rumor? Also why I live 30 minutes away from work. I can walk to the bar, see the usual suspects, have a few drinks, shoot the bull, and stumble home, all without seeing someone from work following my every move. With that, now here's something we hope you'll really like:

--Big article in the Portland Press-Herald about Poland Spring this weekend. The hippies are out in full force trying to protect the natural resources "man." Apparently, enough of them banded together to get a referendum on the ballot for a 20 cent per gallon water tax. One question: Hasn't Maine done enough to drive business out? This would only close both bottling plants Poland Spring has, and chances are, relocate them to New Hampshire or somewhere else in New England. The state would lose an inordinant amount of great paying jobs, and put themselves deeper in the doldrums of losing great college graduates, and taxes will continue to rise. Either the buck stops here, or Maine will become a sprawling ghost town.

--Went to Maine last weekend. Great to see some old faces. Sometimes you just need a break from the usual routine. Next on the hit list: Portland for Dec 23rd and a New Year's get together Dec 31st. There are some days that I just jones for Portland so much. I miss a lot of people up there, but fortunately enough, I'm only an hour and a half away. I do like New Hampshire a lot though, for all of the good things: cheap booze, gambling, and no taxes. Live free or die baby!

Bonne annee and until next time,
The Champ

It could be....it might be.....IT IS!!!

Yes, finally back at it once again. I know, for all those readers who have been in suspense for so long, wait no longer. High time for a new post, so comin atcha like boo-ya.......here are some random thoughts from the past month or so from the well-traveled Champ:

-Why is it that people insist on slowing down to practically a stop when they see a cop has another vehicle stopped? Earth to travelers: there is NO way he can pull you over while he's writing out a ticket to Joe Leadfoot. And better than that, there is ABSOLUTELY NO way that an officer can pull you over when you're going south on the interstate, and he has someone pulled over northbound. All you concerned drivers slow down traffic to a crawl, and for what? To see if you know the person being pulled over? Step on the gas already.

-I'm slowly figuring out the Mass. state driver's test. First requirement: don't use the turn signals provided on your vehicle. Nobody needs to know where you're turning anyways. Second, stay in the hammer lane NO MATTER WHAT. They seem to enjoy it out there at 55 to 95, and will pull over for nobody. And finally, if you're in the fast lane trucking along, or in any lane for that matter, they'll drive so close to you that you can't see their headlights, license plate, or any part of the front of their vehicle. When you look in your rear view, it appears that someone has mistakenly welded a car to the back of your vehicle. The Department of Transportation should have a contest to see which of their resident drivers gets flipped off the most, if there were a way to count. So if you can drive like a complete boob, your license is safe in Massachusetts.

-I have also figured U-Haul out. What a sham this operation is. So if you're renting a truck for an "in town" job, you are allowed the Cadillac of the fleet: perfect operating condition, less than 50K miles, and still has that last whiff of new truck scent. They know the truck is coming back to them, so they take "right good care" of that customer. On the other hand, my favorite use of a U-Haul is the "one way" move. Now they get a little more strategic. Billy Bob, the mechanic fresh off a stint at the local penitentiary of your choice, will go inspect the lot for the biggest P.O.S. they have out there. It's kind of like a game where they see who can send who the crappiest truck. With these prime time trucks, you're looking at a quarter of a million miles, cigarette burns throughout the seats, an engine that burns more oil than gas, and if you're lucky, it won't rain. Such as, I have been stuck with the latter description twice in the past two years. Nothing like putting your life on the line in a '96 Ford F-150 shitbox.

That's all for this week, more to come soon....

-CK

A Not-So-Enjoyable Weekend

Too bad there are no money-back guarantees on crappy weekends. I basically get one day off per week, and Easter weekend especially threw a monkey wrench into that Sunday that I value off as a day of rest, and catching up on errands that are virtually impossible to do during the week.

Let's start with Saturday. Not a bad start; I felt pretty good after downing two bottles of wine on Friday night. Off to work for 8am. Tax season is just chaos, and Saturday work is pretty much the unwritten rule for all accounting firms. So I oblige, as it is all overtime for me, and I do love money. I stayed until 1:30, because the alma mater, UMaine, is in the NCAA hockey tournament. I take off, get home, and find a few guests here to spectate with the members of the household. Good times, catching up, shooting the breeze, and of course, taunting the hell out of each other. It just wouldn't be an event without the usual banter of jabs at everyone and all the past, present, and future events that have/are/soon to be happening. The game is a disappointment, as Maine loses in OT 1-0.

Onto some hoops. I've always been a fan of the NCAA men's basketball tournament, and especially fond of the underdog "cinderella" teams that make it further than anyone expects. After Vermont was taken out in the second round, I came to love West Virginia. These guys play on pure heart, with a "good ol' boy" coach who was just as "stoked" to be there as his players were. So, in spectating that game, I get my share of grief for cheering for a team that has no right to be there. Of course, most of it was to push my buttons, but I didn't care. I was more fired up during that game than any Maine hockey game, or some other powerhouse team beating up on the little guy. Unfortunately, the Mountaineers fell in overtime to Louisville. I still think Pitino is a bum, but I go get ready for a night on the town.

As usual, it's pretty much the same crew that goes out when a couple of guys come to town. We go to see the Pirates take on the Monarchs of Manchester at the Civic Center. What a dump that place really is. The Pirates need to pack it up, and get out of town, because we won't see a new arena here in about 20 years. So we grab a couple of beers, and head up to our seats. And then, my blood begins to boil as I am surrounded by some very obnoxious people, to the front, and the rear. In the front, there's a girl who's probably 12 or 13, just screaming after every pass it seemed like. My temperature slowly starts to rise. And behind me, there's a person who actually works for the Monarchs, and has no clue of what she's talking about. One distinct comment was, "I can't believe Mike Cammaleri was an All-Star; I have no idea how he was chosen." People who talk about sports that are completely ignorant to the subject totally blow my mind. So, I muttered under my breath, "Well, probably because he's one of the top goal scorers in the league you stupid (fill in the blank)." After the first intermission, I sought a new seat. During intermission, a friend who happens to work for the Monarchs as well mentioned to me that he works with the girl making the stupid comments, and that I should keep my cool. He knows my personality very well, and I appreciated him telling me that, because I probably would have turned around and told her off at a point during the game. My roommate and I left early for the Stadium, a sports bar across from the CC. We were joined there by a couple more friends, and the rest of the crew after the hockey game.

This is where things start to progressively slide downhill. Drinks, drinks, and drinks, toss in a few smokes, and most of the crew is on the way to drunk real quick. So the most awaited question comes to attention at around 11:30: "Where to next?" I didn't drink, so I can't say that I had a real preference, but I should have said what I didn't prefer. First stop: Foreplay. This place just baffles me. It's a sports bar, yet every dude smells like a Parisian house of pleasure, and every girl has spent over 10 hours in a tanning booth, scantily clad, and is utilizing a push-up bra to their advantage. Give me a girl that takes 30 minutes tops to get ready, and is actually somewhat clothed. And of course, the place is packed beyond belief. The gang downs a drink, and decides it's time to move on. I'm slightly anticipating where the next stop will be. I should have saved that anxiousness for when it was time to go home.

The Iguana. This just happens to be on my personal "Love to Loathe" bar list. I often equate it to a single-wide trailer hollowed out, with a bar that all of the drunkest, most hideous chicks can dance on. More of the same crowd as described above, and I knew that without even setting foot inside the door. Five minutes later, the crew returns, as nobody could procure a drink from the bar. The last stop totally took the cake.

Diggers/Liquid Blue. The armpit of the Old Port bar scene. Could it hurt someone to crack a smile in this place? It's probably because Diggers is such a drag. Pretty much every 20-something that has no other place to go, goes here. Even more of the same crowd as mentioned from the first two bars, only throw in an 80s D.J., and a few lights, and BOOM! - instant dance party. By this time, I was ready to leave. My roommate apparently in his buzz-on sensed that as well, so we took off.

It's Easter Sunday now, some holiday that a lot of people probably don't know the real meaning of. Hell, I didn't even know, so I had to go look it up. So I get up, do some laundry, and prepare an extensive shopping list, ready to tackle the errands that need to be taken care of today. I never once thought that when I left the house, I would get none of them done.

First stop-new pair of dress shoes. All I'm looking for are a pair of black and white wingtips. Old school. So I go down to the Maine Mall area to check out a new shoe store. Closed. On to the Men's Wearhouse. Closed. So after some contemplation, I recall that it's Easter Sunday. I'm thinking, "no big deal, I'll just get some groceries." Wrong again.

I make my way all the way from South Portland to Falmouth to find out that Hannaford is closed for the day. By this time, I am irate. How is it that this holiday, out of the 10 or 15 we have in a year, cripples everything someone needs to do in one day? I drove home disgusted, not even bothering to go to Home Depot for some other home improvement needs.

So that was pretty much my weekend. What a waste of a day and a half. Next weekend will feature a road trip that got postponed due to inclement weather from my birthday, so I'm thinking things will be better. Here are a few quick hits:

--Will Farrell and David Koechner (Champ Kind) have already signed up for a new movie together, Talladega Nights. Farrell will be starring as a NASCAR driver. Coming to theaters in 2006. I'm anxiously awaiting this.

--Looking for a new place sucks. I hate having to pack everything up, throw it into a truck, and unpack it all again. I relish the day when I will actually be able to buy my own home that I can live in for more than 2 years.

--Work seems to be going well, but I don't know if I've found my calling yet. I know I'm getting closer, but accounting isn't it. I'm thinking of more in the financial world. I've spoken to a great friend recently about the opportunities in finance, and I'm definitely out their looking yet again. I've even heard from a buddy about working for a sports team. Another career interest to keep in mind.

--OK, I'm guilty. I have actually watched "Celtic Woman" on a public broadcasting channel more than once. These Irish gals have serious pipes, and most aren't really too hard on the eyes either. Their accents absolutely suck me in. I refuse to pledge $90 to get the CD. I'll keep looking for it online until I can find every song on Ares.

That's it for this week. There Nason, you happy now?

-CK

My Week in the Grasp of Daytime Television

So here’s the deal. I’m retro-typing a few blogs just because I believe they have had some sort of relevance and or impact in my not so exciting life. Yeah, unusual as it may seem, it’ll help me clear my mind a little and do more taxes.

Recently, I have taken on yet ANOTHER new job, one I actually believe will lead to great happiness and success. But, I’ve been wrong before, so we’ll just see where this one goes. My prior job was as a copier salesman for various territories around the state, which I had to leave for a multitude for reasons; the IKON story probably deserves its own entry here. To make a long story short, I didn’t view it as a great career for me, so I found a position working for an accounting firm in Falmouth. So in between times, I had a choice to make; work for a temp agency for a week, or take that week off to hang out in PJ’s and do absolutely as little as possible. I of course chose the latter, which leads to my banter on the perils of daytime TV.

For some reason, I still managed to remain on a schedule during this week of no stress. Instead of glad-handing every businessperson between here and East Overshoe, my day revolved around that 36-inch cube of plastic, glass, and wires in the living room. So here’s the rundown:

9am: Up and at em. SportsCenter for the ridiculous overkill of T.O., Freddie Mitchell, and what color socks each of them would wear to the Superbowl. Who cares? Give me some baseball transactions, tell me the NHL is the biggest travesty in professional sports, and update the Kobe/Shaq/Phil Jackson soap opera. I long for the days of Craig Kilborn and Keith Olbermann.

10am: Nash Bridges on USA. For some reason, anything with Don Johnson in it somehow gets me to watch. Throw in Cheech Marin, and you’ve got a show! I think the biggest draw is the Barracuda that Nash cruises San Diego in. Pimp ride.

11am: The two hour block of "The District," featuring the wing-tip wearing super-cop Jack Mannion played by Craig T. Nelson. All and all, it’s a bit far-fetched with all of the changes he makes within the D.C. police force, but nonetheless a decent storyline. Just reminds you that one person can make a difference. Moving right along….

1pm: No shower yet. This hour block is my channel-surfing/e-mail/lunch break. Full House reruns on ABC Family, ESPN again, or ESPNEWS on NESN. Is that D.J. Tanner a hottie or what?

2pm: Family Matters. Seriously, who doesn’t love the Urk-man? Other than that, same old cheesy someone does something wrong, and finds out the moral of the story in the end. It still gets me.

3pm: Step by Step on the ABC Fam. My only reason for checking this out for an hour is Al Lambert. I had the hots for her in elementary school, and I just can’t let it go. She’s only three years older than I am, so I’m holding out hope.

4pm: Two options here: Shower, or more ABC Family. I alternated these throughout the week, somedays choosing to watch Boy Meets World, somedays choosing to actually bathe before everyone got home from a day’s work. Not a bad show, with another stellar female—how ‘bout that Topanga? Yowza.

5pm: Take a break. Either shower or cook dinner, rest the eyes, more coming in an hour!

6pm: JAG on USA. I find this to be an interesting show, if it really is a fairly accurate depiction of the legal side of the armed forces. The other interest is Catherine Bell. Wow, she has great….eyes. One would wish she had a single twin sister.

8pm: Law and Order: SVU. This is the crown jewel of my day. The characters (Ice-T, yeah!), the plots, the twists, what’s not to love? The show completely grips my attention for the full hour. And babe of the show goes to Assistant District Attorney Alex Cabot, played by Stephanie March.

10-Midnight: Bed, depending on how many Law and Order episodes are on. What a day!
So there it is folks, the rundown on a week off, and time well spent in front of the TV. It was definitely a great week of relaxing, and seeing some shows of old, as well as checking out some shows I’d never seen before. Make sure to check back next time for the rock star All-Star game extravaganza!

WHAMMY!
-Champ

The First Word.........

Well folks, here's my second attempt at the running dialogue of my life. I swear I've typed this first excerpt three times now, so I'm trying to remember everything I put in from each time. This is new for the New Year, and my goal is to spill my thoughts in here every Monday or so.

As the title alludes to, I've decided that it's high time to make a few changes in my life. I wouldn't say they are "extreme," but significant. And I've bypassed the New Year's resolution bit, simply due to the fact that they never really work. I go for about three weeks, and succumb to the pressure of all the wrong things. This time, gradually moving into doing the right things should give me the proper motivation to carry out my goals.

Happiness in a career leads to overall happiness of a person. I've fried my brain trying to sell all kinds of things, from mortgages to copiers. Friends and family had me convinced that a career in sales would suit me to a T, and I convinced myself of that as well. Sales never made me happy. I always felt that I was guilting someone in to buying something. Some people actually needed my assistance with a product or service, but it was the matter in how I was taught to sell that didn't quite fit with me. So, I made the decision to pursue something that interested me in and out of school. I'm starting as an entry-level accountant with a firm in Falmouth this week, and I couldn't be happier. It's something I have experience in, and that I enjoy. I made a goal to get out of sales, and I achieved it; that gave me the confidence to pursue other life goals, mainly health related.

My diet has never been exceptional. Much consumption of fried food, beer, and anything chocolate has placed me in the current state. Salad made an early exit off my plate growing up, and really, any vegetable was rarely eaten. Even with the proper amount of sleep, I lack enough energy to make it through a day. Starting recently, a salad is a daily occurrence, and beer and fried items have taken a backseat. Health has become a main priority seeing how poor health has affected people I know, and what the consequences are of my old habits. Granted, I'm just getting started, but I feel more focused than ever for this part of the makeover.

Along with my stellar diet of youth, my activity was comparable. During any of my schooltimes, I occasionally worked out, and participated in a few sports. Beer die became my favored sport in college, and it showed. My weight ballooned from around 220 to 280 within four years of higher education. I've leveled off somewhat since graduation, but in order to make that number go down, I have to become physically active. Thanks to a few friends, I'm working on a workout plan that I can stick with that will aid in peeling the fat off, and putting some muscle in it's place.

I figure there is no time better than the present to become more accountable and responsible for my body and my habits. People should be able to be happy, and enjoy their lives. I think I'm making the steps necessary to have that happen. Well, enough about my life altering events, here are a couple quick hits:

-Saw Anchorman for the first time recently. Honestly, I haven't stopped laughing about it since. The guys I associate with are non-stop with the movie lines, and it really hasn't gotten old yet. The star-studded cast was a great bonus, as well as the "Afternoon Delight" music video in the extras. You'll also notice that the blog has taken the name of my favorite character in the flick.

-Just finishing up Trump's first book, The Art of the Deal. Financiers have raved about this book for many years, touting the "Trump Cards," the Don's tips for conducting successful business. I think it's easy to make suggestions when you're worth 5 billion, but most of his tips are practical in everyday use. My one fault with the read: Trump loves his casinos in the book; too bad he filed for bankruptcy due to their demise.

-First adventure to Bubba's Sulky Lounge this past weekend. Definitely one of Portland's underrated bars. How many can brag on the fact they have a lit disco dancefloor, along with every lunchpail we had as kids? Just a cool place to hang out and toss a few back. Ladies aren't too bad on the eyes there either.

Well, that just about wraps it up for this week, hope you were mildly entertained, and if you weren't, I'll try harder next week.

WHAMMY!
-Champ